The Jenny Sanford Rule

While discussing the misbehavior epidemic that is currently dominating our headlines, a man asked me, "How do these guys explain this to their wife and kids?"  Who was the man?  My husband.  He is as dumbfounded as I am about the whole sordid trend. I know that and I trust that. I wonder if the wives of the accused had that same faith in their spouses only to have it shattered in the glare of the media.

Most of the men named to this point are old enough to have grown children; at the very least old enough to understand.  I can't help but wonder where Dad was when teaching the kids proper behavior was taking place.  Working late no doubt.  Wink, wink.

There are victims other than those who lodged the complaints.  There are those wives and children.  What must they think?  How many will clench their teeth and stand by their men like Eliot Spitzer's or David Vitter's?  I'll never forget the look on their faces as they tried to  put up a brave front for the TV cameras.  And these guys were only involved in prostitution rings.  There, at least, the women were willing.

Personally, I most admire Jenny Sanford, the former wife of Congressman Mark Sanford. Sanford  disappeared from a hiking trip only to turn up in Argentina with his soul mate.  Mrs. Sanford said, in essence, "Okay, I'm outta here."

Why do wives stay?  Is it because on their own they wouldn't be able to maintain their lifestyle?  Do they really love the guy so unequivocally that he, in their eyes, can be forgiven anything? Wow.

I think if it were me back in the day I'd have taken the Jenny Sanford route. Even if my lifestyle changed, I think I could have made a decent living and could have lived with myself knowing I hadn't condoned something horribly out of step with honesty, decency and trust.

How do the kids react?  That I cannot answer.  I should think such a revelation would have put a wedge in their relationship with their Dads.  At least it should.

Yes, there are victims all around. Since I'm not particularly prone to victimhood in my own circumstances and I have the freedom to self-identify  these days I think I'll identify as decent with a strong moral compass. I hope the victims of this mass lunacy will find it within themselves to do the same.

Groping and Harassment

It's time for an old lady to weigh in on this subject.  I think it's fair to say any girl who grew up when I did is an automatic member of the "me too" club.

Right or wrong, it is the way it was.  It can begin, as it did with me, even before high school when little boys were curious about little girls.  Even then they were stronger and could easily over power a reluctant girl.

It became more prevalent as both boys and girls were maturing and hormones raged. Boys sought to get a "feel" of an often reluctant girl. As time passed girls began to get a voice and the ability to resist.  If they wanted.  If not, well, that's another story.  College years weren't very different than high school though it may have gone further than a feel.  During this period the young men and women were of nearly the same ages. Unless a male professor was involved.

Out in the real world, however, things changed.  That's when it quit being a growing experience each  young woman managed in her own way and turned into unwanted groping and harassment by men of an age to know it was wrong. Men who were in positions of power over young women who had so much to lose by resisting. So they lived with the humiliation.

All along the way, women always had to face the fear factor.  Fear of being tormented verbally by their peer group or told they had brought it on themselves by adults who should have known better. Fear that they may be physically harmed if they resisted.

I'm not suggesting this was the norm by any means, but such behavior did occur with a degree of frequency.  Somewhere along the way parents were not teaching their sons how to respect women and the treatment that went along with the respect.

When you ask today why women didn't speak out 20 or 30 years ago it's because they were too often demeaned  if even believed.  Today they speak out because they have a sisterhood of those with like experiences to back them.

All of a sudden those incidences of wandering hands, suggestive comments and outright threats are being brought to light.  As I listen to the men fumble for excuses and make half hearted apologies I know it's because they've been outed; not because they feel any sense of shame or remorse.

It has become epidemic.  In the forefront it seems to have been athletes criticized for spousal or significant other abuse then let off because of who they were. There has always been the good old boy club whether it be the athletes,  corporate bigwigs or Hollywood.  Ah, yes, the casting couch.

I wonder if every man in a powerful position had to step aside if allegations were brought against him  there would be many left in those positions.

The tables have turned now.  Once upon a time a President got a pass for known misbehavior. Many have been known to have mistresses, ours today remains under the shadow of his own bragging.  What manner of man behaves in such a manner and preaches about our "values" at the same time?

Well, we're finding out aren't we. The behavior is pervasive - from sports to academia to business to politics. And it is truly non-partisan.

So you women who may still be reluctant ~ speak out.  Cultures can be changed and this one needs to be. This is the time ~ seize it. This is the time. Powerful women have your back.